Chaos and comfort...

I'm sick to my stomach :( I am having to make choices that I should not have to make at my age and it's hitting me like a logging truck all of a sudden. The impact of a single decision typically isn't a big deal.... except when it has to do with your fertility. And to top it off, there is this hole inside of me that keeps increasing in size as i watch my friends drop off one by one. I guess a lot of them weren't friends to begin with, but some were and that's what sucks the most. I don't know who I can trust anymore. I don't know who and what I can believe in anymore. I don't know what is best for my son and me anymore. And if it is for the best, is it worth losing my mind over. This blog probably won't flow very well and I honestly don't care... which is odd for me lol. I made a bullet list of things i need to vent about and I'm basically going to just hit each topic and then move on. :)


1. Jordan As most of you know by now, Jordan and I broke up on Superbowl Sunday. I want to clear the air on something here because I am tired of hearing that it's easier for me to blame him 100% for our problems than to accept responsibility for problems that I caused.... WE DID NOT HAVE ANY PROBLEMS. PERIOD. We rarely argued about anything in fact. The issues were that we had next to nothing in common and that we never saw each other or even talked to each other. With his brother dying a fast death all of a sudden (he has late stage brain cancer for those of you who do not know), it was all he could do but to completely isolate himself from the entire world... which included me. And after a few months he lost that battle and ended up isolating himself completely :( It quickly tore us apart and the lack of communication and contact was what destroyed everything that we had.


2. My neurologist said Parkinson's is ruled out but she wanted to do a few MRI's of my brain and upper spinal cord to make sure I don't have MS (i have it on both sides of my family). I had four MRI's done friday morning (two with contrast and two without)... i kept falling asleep and since i twitch really bad right as i fall asleep they had to keep redoing them lol.


3. I'm sick of school. Period. I've been going full time for over two years now. I love what i'm studying, i love learning new stuff, and i love being smart. But i also love working and having a paycheck. I love living on my own (well "on my own" now includes Alex of course lol).


4. Lady issues (men you may want to skip this part since I'm going to be frank about it all lol). I have always had absolutely horrendous periods.... which was something that i just sort of dealed with and was ok with. Except in the last year they have become so beyond ridiculous that treatment options are now few and far between and more drastic. In Oct i had a five week period. FIVE. WEEKS. Right now they're roughly 9 days long and every 3 weeks.... and i'm on bc pills. I've tried the IUD, i've tried no hormones at all (as in no bc at all and letting my body do it's own thing... which resulted in the 5wk period), and almost 13 different bc pills since i was 16ish. None do anything but give me the common side effects (and prevent pregnancy of course lol). I have breakthrough bleeding, SUPER heavy bleeding, etc. It's a damn disaster lately. So my last four OB apt's my OB has asked if i wanted to have more kids when i was older and my routine answer was "yes!" Finally at this last one I asked her what my options were at this point... she took a pen, gave me a sharpie and told me to cross off the ones i didn't want: she wrote down one bc pill option that has 10x the normal estrogen dose of other bc pills, the shot/implant (i crossed it off, they scare me lol), she wrote down the NuvaRing (i crossed it off, i don't trust it), she wrote down an endometrial ablation (i had a blank stare), and a hysterectomy (and i almost cried). Five options. That's it. I said i will NOT do the shot, implant, or the ring. I said I would only do the hysterectomy if i absolutely NEEDED it. Then i asked about the bc pill option and the ablation: - The pill (as i said above) contains 10x the normal dose of estrogen as other bc pills... which is basically a huge last ditch effort to knock my body into shape and stop this shit. With that though comes awesome side effects as i am now experiencing around the clock: continuous hunger (well "weight gain" is a side effect... but lets be real... you dont gain weight without eating ;) lol! however i've started exercising a little to counteract what i'm eating)... i cannot seem to stay full for more than 45min at a time. Low sex drive (which isn't a big deal but still). And my personal favorite (which isn't actually listed as a side effect): RAGE. absolute and utter RAGE at the world. I cry and scream and throw shit at the drop of a hat :( So you mix said rage with the fact that I'm now finding out that my friends are betraying me and you can see why i'm losing my fucking mind at a fast rate of speed. I have lowered my antidepressant dose since i think it is making my tremors worse... so the lack of that medication is only making this rage issue THAT MUCH worse... but my tremors have decreased!! :D lol. Catch 22 huh? ;) -The ablation is this: http://women.webmd.com/endometrial-ablation-16200. The procedure that she would do would essentially cauterize the uterine lining so it can no longer thicken. With this of course comes the reduction in periods (some women don't have them at all anymore :D oh darn! lol) and bleeding... but it also prevents pregnancy. If i were to get pregnant then it would more than likely end in miscarriage... and if it didn't i would not be able to carry the child to term anyways and there would be SEVERE health issues for both the baby and myself. ---SO, my OB said that the decision was 100% up to me and whatever i chose she supported and would do. I chose to give the pill a shot as a last ditch effort... that way i knew that i had literally tried everything that i felt comfortable with, before making a more permanent decision. At this point (and i have done a LOT of thinking about it) i am 99.999% sure that I am done having children. Alex is a challenging child and deserves 100% of my attention, plus i'm honestly not sure he'd be thrilled with the idea of a sibling lol. I mean, he loves Ayden (his step-brother) but a full time, lives with him all the time sibling would be too much for him. If i want to have a baby fix all i have to do is contact a friend with one, go hold it, feed it, change it's poopy diaper... and then give it back at the end of the day lol. I enjoy sleeping through the night. I enjoy spending money on things for Alex other than diapers, wipes, and formula. I enjoy the thought that in 14 or so years I will have the option to TRAVEL :D I like the thought of spoiling the shit out of my son... and only my son. I don't want to be pregnant again, i don't want a newborn again, i don't want to feed a child every three hours around the clock, and change their blowout diapers, and potty train another child. I'm done with that :) SO at this point, I think i will call my OB on monday, explain the side effects that I am having from this bc pill and ask her when we can do the ablation. I can still have children if for some unknown reason I were to change my mind (since i would still have fully functioning ovaries)... I would just need a surrogate to carry and birth the child for me. But at this point, I don't see that being something that I am going to want.


5. James. Ooooooooooh sweet amazing James. :D Thinking about him makes me blush and talking about him makes me sound like a twitter-patted teenager lol! He is the most amazing man that I have ever met in my entire life. We have damn near everything in common, we agree on almost everything, we have the same life goals, we both put massive value on a college degree (bachelors or higher is what i mean here), we both have amazing sons (he has two, i have alex), etc. He is generous, and kind, and funny, and compassionate, and trustworthy, and dependable, and honest, and loving.... he supports me and my decisions 100000% and shows a genuine interest in the things that I'm studying in class so that we can talk about it. I love geeking out with him about science stuff, biopsych stuff, and i love learning about computer and network stuff (ok i don't, but i pretend to ;) LOL!!!). I love being with someone that I can talk to about my personal views on things and know that more than likely he agrees with me, or if he doesn't he's extremely mature and explains his view of it. he comforts me in ways that no one else can, he talks me through things that are bothering me, and he threatens to beat someone up if they hurt me <3 i could go on for hours if i wanted to about the things that are AWESOME about him. Being with him is EASY.... which is saying something since he lives two hours away at this point haha. I can't wait until he can move back to Vancouver so we can see each other more often. But in the meantime i will gladly drive to Goldendale and back whenever possible so that we can spend time together. I thought this was going to be a totally casual thing until he moves to SD for college... but I can tell you right now that I am dreading August :( This has become so much more than I ever thought it would.... HOWEVER, I have faith that when something is "right" that it will always work out. So if this is what's right for both of us, the next two (or more) years will pass quickly and we'll live in the same city again before we know it. And until then I plan on seeing him as often as I can... and doing everything possible as a couple (going to the beach, camping, fishing, hiking, going on drives, going to take pictures in the mountains, etc) to build a stronger relationship :) :) :)

So I think that was all that I wanted to talk about.. if I think of anything else, you know I'll voice it on facebook ;)

B